Hmmm

Hmm. I want to scream. I really have no clue. My heart pulsates whenever my eyes meet yours. I guess this is why every time I've said no. I want keep my distance before I fall too deep. I will start having second guesses. Being conscious about myself whenever I see you. It hasn't been a long time since we've known each other. My actions have caused misunderstandings already and I'm really afraid shit might happen again. Hmm. What a to-do. I haven't forgotten my committment to someone. Though it might seem impossible that it might even happen. Haiz. I guess life just gets even more complicating though everytime I say that life is actually that simple to live. Ahh fuck it. Love sucks. Though single life is rocking my socks away, I miss having someone being there for me when I'm really in need of help and support. A special companion. A treasured someone. Yes, indeed friends have been a real help to me for the past 2+ years but I still yearn for that feeling. What with poly being an integral part of me now, it is difficult to adapt to the need of better time management. I barely have time for many things nowadays. So.. fuck this shit.

·Peace™·
Ahh fuck it..

Misunderstandings..

Aye.. where to start? I have been feeling mis-understood all this time. I think everyone that I'm close to, or at least, good friends with, know that I am someone who treats everyone well, as long as your my friend. But if my actions seem to show a motive or giving you a hint to something, please I beg you, NOT TO MIS-UNDERSTAND MY ACTIONS. I treat everyone fairly and equally. It is never in my nature to mis-treat somebody. Even if I do, I make up the mistake and make it up to that person. I never want people to mis-understand my actions and let them know that whatever I'm doing is really, just in my nature.

Hmm. This few days has been a turmoil for me. Money spent unwisely was 1. I mean, $47.50 on bowling? WHOA! Then there were other issues where I feel I'm being used. This has been a very long time since I've ranted here since I've been typing out about mistakes I myself have learnt from. I hate the feeling of being used. Time and again, I've told myself that no matter under what circumstances, I shall never be someone needed only for the bad times. I mean, it is alright if you want me to lend you a listening ear, however I don't want to be taken for granted. That sucks, really.

Why have so much problems come up with whatever I do? I can't live by each day thinking whether I have created problem. My actions have caused mis-understandings. My heart has been played. The one interest that I have is slipping away and most probably belong to someone else already. I think the only reason why I am still able to wake up each day is to look forward to soccer trainings and hanging out with the soccer team. I hardly know what I am up to and barely know what are my directions. Even sailing, I am losing out the passion I am having in it. Yes he might not make it but will they still want to consider me? My soccer standard has dropped considerably. The only thing that I am good at, I think, is just playing DotA, and wasting money away. I can't wait for school to start so that I can put my focus at somewhere else and not think of the daily problems. I can't rely on playing pool or going bowling as it really is taking up too much money of mine. Haiz, how good is it not to be me eh?

·Peace™·
Cos' I'm fading out..

If..

Here is a song that we should all listen to:

"My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day's a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
If today was your last day
Against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the prize is always worth the fight
Every second counts 'cause there's no second try
So live like you'll never live it twice
Don't take the free ride in your own life
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day
If today was your last day
Would you make your mark by mending a broken heart?
You know it's never too late to shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
'Cause you can't rewind a moment in this life
Let nothin' stand in your way
Cause the hands of time are never on your side
If today was your last day
And tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday?
Would you live each moment like your last?
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have?
Would you call old friends you never see?
Reminisce of memories
Would you forgive your enemies?
Would you find that one you're dreamin' of?
Swear up and down to God above
That you finally fall in love
If today was your last day"

Whats past is past, however take some time off to remember and enjoy what you have done before. Never forget friends of old and new. Live each day as though it is the last. Make your life good no matter how hard it is. I love this part.." Each day's a gift and not a given right. Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind. That first step you take is the longest stride. "

What a song..

·Peace™·
Cos' just enjoy every moment of your life..

Hmmm...

Funnily how I have been actually deciding to write anything here. For quite sometime I haven't blogged. Now I've already blogged in a span of a few days. Hmm and that is because there have been something on my mind and that my friends have been talking about it as well. I want to ask all, whoever might be reading this retarded piece of shit, : Do you know the true meaning of love? I'm very sure majority of answers would be : It is a feeling. It is a gesture. Yes this are the right answers. However, I would really urge you to step into the realm and think again. Love is actually, a committment. Yes, love is a feeling, undoubtedly. But imagine this 1 simple scenario : What happens when you feel the feeling has faded? Are you just end the relationship and find the feeling back with another? After hearing from a married couple about their committment to one another is simply, touching and full of envy. 20years of being married and another 5 years of courtship. What committment eh? Many asked how they have managed to sustain such a lasting marriage. The answer was just as easy as reciting ABC : committment. Also, surely, in a world like ours now. We talk about having boyfriends or girlfriends. Maturely speaking, many now have matured and says that, no matter what happens, being committed to the one that you are with, is just the best. It is a responsibility. It is also a chance to mature oneself. I haven't had the chance for a little more than 2years since that last ordeal. Life is full of ups and downs and many of us do not have true friends. The kind of friends who go through thick and thin with you, the kind that you know, who has your back. At least you know that you have someone close enough, to share your joy and pain, your sufferings and your celebrations. So my only advise is to choose wisely and to think carefully. It is useless to just enter a relationship based on feeling and that both of you are in it because you just ' love ' each other. Both must have the maturity and the responsibility and the committment to stick together.

I know I have been sounding a little old for awhile. But I believe this are learning processes that help one learn from mistakes. I'm not calling myself significant but I know I have been through periods where I believe Life is trying to make a statement. Everything is never perfect, no matter how perfectly you plan things out.

·Peace™·
Cos' Life is full of mysteries...

Trust...

Here am I typing away in the morning. Unusual of me to do so. There's 1 thing on my mind that is irritating me for quite awhile. The word trust. When it comes to trust issues, it is a big deal. When the trust between 2 people is damaged, it can never be repaired. I admit that I myself sometimes cannot be trusted. I'm living in a life of lies. Trust is.. feeling secure, knowing that you can count on that person. In a relationship, without trust nothing is possible. Both parties would start doubting each other. Whats the use of the relationship since there is no trust? I remember myself getting stuck in a situation like this. I was good friends with my ex-girlfriend's best friend. We would go out for lunches or for dinners a few times since we lived close to one another. But here is the catch : My girlfriend knows about it. I tell her about it and she accepts it. There is communication. When there is communication, there would certainly be trust. I remember having friends telling me that they do not trust their boyfriends/girlfriends. This is a simple decision to make if you really don't trust your partner : Thrash things out with them or simply, break up? It is harsh but it is the suggestion. Trust is built on a long-term basis. You can't just go up to a person and tell them ' I trust you '. That would totally be ridiculous. For a guy, for someone to trust them is almost like their credibility. When the guy is not trustworthy, there would be a chain reaction among friends that he is not trustable. It is especially true when a guy tells a girl he would wait. Proving her wrong that guys can wait for anything. Once the girl is proven wrong, there is trust. Time plays a part. People need to know what type of person are you. I know many trusted friends. But remember, they aren't exactly your best friends. Time plays a part because it allows you to know that person better.
I used to be a liar, a total bitchass liar. I lied to my parents before. I lied to teachers before. I lied to friends before. But all that has changed. I realise that, once a lie is told, another lie has to be committed. Would you want to live a life of lies? It certainly is useless. Also in the real world, with a person of trust, there would certainly be contacts all around. The cruel and real world needs trustworthy people. It is becoming a nuisance, what with corruption and many other tragedies befalling on innocent people.
If your reading this somewhere out there. Trust is a virtue. Being trusty is being cool.

·Peace™·
Cos' trust is the love..

...

I have witnessed 2 sad events in only a week. 2 break-ups, 2 decimated souls looking for help. I've never really envisaged myself in such a situation. And coming to think of it, it was just about a year ago on the evening of 16th December 2007 when we decided to break-up. How fast has time flies eh? I must confess that, when I was told of this 2 recent incidents, I realised that you have actually never left me. We went out a couple of times together and have been chatting all the way through the night. I realise we were just friends. I must say that relationships can bring out the good and the bad of individuals. For me, it brought out the best in me. I cared for someone other than my family. I knew what responsibility was. I knew how to console someone and cheer someone up. I knew I would always be there to lend someone a listening ear whenever they wanted. If they needed help from me, I would be gladly assist them. Even if they didn't treat me well, I would still treat them as a friend. Also, this has brought out the worst in me. I found out I wasn't the type to let go easily. I realised that whats past is past and can never be relieved again. But I had to learn, to learn to move on. To let go and to think positive. For this 2 incidents, both had and are still having difficulties moving on. Friends are surely the utmost importance. I remembered I barely had a single good friend when I broke up with her. I didn't have someone to talk to, to pour my soul out to and to lift my burden to. Sure, reality might have made you a fool. However there is 1 thing that can certainly allow you to move on and tell back reality, is to look forward. Move on. What is done is done and no one will ever have the power to turn back time. Whoever out there who might be reading this might say I'm blabbering nonsense just to fill the spaces, but I'm sure you have felt that way before, just like everyone else?

There is someone I am waiting for. Though many have said that it might be futile to wait as she might not accept me in the end. But why give in when no decision has been made? God makes each and everyone of us fight for what we want. I know, undoubtedly there would be millions of obstacles that would be put in my way, but I'm going to go on and fight for what I want. This has been the lowest week of my holidays and I really do hope, that there would be something good at the end of it all.

·Peace™·
Cos' life is full of ups and downs..

P.S. Eh yo Brother and peas.. if you really come across here and read whatever somehow and some way. Cheer up, move on. There is nothing else but the future left to discover. GAMBATEH!

Learning to adapt..

Hmm.. where shall i start? Here I am seated infront of my computer thinking; How did my 2008 end and how did my 2009 start. Surprisingly, I ended and started the years with a new group of friends. Before my 2008 ended, I managed to get my lazy ass to Japan through the school's Japan Exchange programme. To many, Japan was the PLACE to be: a heaven, a holiday or even to finally seat on an aeroplane and out of Singapore. To me, this was a time to clear my thoughts. I had so many things to deal with in Singapore. I couldn't let go nor solve. Japan became my escape. I forgot everything and enjoyed my time thoroughly in Japan. 12months of persuing that one unreachable goal. Has my time been worth it? I barely made new friends nor wanting to get to know more people. I exercised every ounce of determination I had to get that elusive one. Many called me dumb and just wasting my time. Many said that it was a time where God wants to test my faith, my determination, my drive and my passion. Through this torturous journey, I've learnt many things: what we desire may not come true; what we hope to be may never happen. I've learnt to expect the unexpected. I've learnt that no matter how hard one may try, they may never get what they want. This tested my personality and my character: Am I a person who gives up easily or am I a person who is willing to try even though there is no success? I have become half-hearted. I want to let go but I still believe there is a chance. The only thing that could actually let me forget was a need in company. My good old friends have their own lives to live. Many are working their butts off while others have entered army. Finally I have actually found the real answer: I needed new friends. It is as simple as that. The Japan Exchange has allowed me to make new friends. They weren't like my old group of friends. However I had to adapt. Force out my personality and adapt to theirs. I'm proud to say that I managed to achieve that throughout the 9days we had together in Japan. They allowed me stop thinking about her. For once in 11months, She was out of my mind. I have always stressed the importance of friends in my very own life. This has certainly been proof of so. This post doesn't talk much. Its what I have been thinking. So piss off you have nothing nice to say.


·Peace™·
Cos' give our friends the love they deserve..