NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS!

1. Get myself studying for semester 2 in an attempt to better my grades.

2. Get myself working out to tone up my body.

3. Get myself a diving license.

4. Get myself a job during the holidays.

5. I shall speak no more than 7 vulgarities in a week.

6. I shall try to keep myself commitment-free, hopefully.

7. Be a better person, always there for anyone who needs me.

8. Enjoy my life no matter how tough it gets.

Reflections..

So here I am again, my reflections in 2009. It was a hectic year. So many things happened during the year, as it should be. I WENT TO SPAIN! I made new awesome friends, friends that I will surely never forget ever again. A new school life that started in April now seem so near after all. I even realized I knew who my true friends were, and those who just needed me for benefits. I also realized myself getting really soft-hearted and tried my best helping my friends as much as possible even if it means a disadvantage to myself. I thought I found myself a more useful person to my friends and my family.

I got my driving license, probably the first among the people in my year. How fast that is when just.. 2 years back I was still studying and enjoying school life. With my license, I surely got closer to a lot more of my friends. Able to just hang out awhile into the night and reminisce about the past.

To a great success though, I cut down on my drinking. Now my house is full of alcohol of all kinds. I stopped the crazy ongoing of clubbing.

This hasn't been a real reflection of my 2009, it has only a small part to what I have just said. The real reflection that I know of is, I think I have yet to change as a person, personally. I am still that kind of guy that, hopefully you can depend on if you are in any trouble. Friends are of the highest order in my life alongside my family. In my realization, at the back of 2009 was a year for me to actually quieten down my life. All the happenings and all the partying in the early days of 2009 gradually stopped. I rather myself stay at home and that helped me spend a little more time with my family members. I also realized my thinking has surely matured a lot, though I still love to have fun no matter how mature I think I am. I haven't really changed as a person since leaving secondary school.

To another extent, I have to reflect on the downs of 2009 as well. Though it wasn't all up, I always tell myself to put a smile on my face no matter how sad I am so that it wouldn't affect the people around me. 2009, if my life could get the boredom out of you, could have been a tragic year. I didn't get the results I expected for my 'O' Levels to get into the course I wanted. Right after that, I got rejected by the one I pursued for more than a year. It affected me quite a bit. I had never gone after a girl that I barely knew and somehow, just got closer and closer. A year of courtship and of me taking the whole initiative, I just rejected there and then. I released myself for almost a year, moving on from her but staying as good friends. In between, it was quite a good thing I didn't have to take any sub-papers for my first semester though my GPA was a piece of shit in the end. And in the last 2 months of 2009, I was close to a friend that I knew since Primary3, and barely stayed in contact in the whole of secondary school. It was only in poly that she really caught my eye. Too bad, again I'm rejected, twice in a year. A first for me. I soon found out that a girl in class was interested in me and that is a whole new story ready to progress into the next year.

2009 has been a good year if I must say.

I don't know..

I really don't know what has gotten into me, but recently, I feel myself more sensitive to how people around me, close or not, treat me. I myself, personally feel that I'm a fucking nice person. I hope people can count on me. I hope people see me as a friend they can look for in trouble or not. I just hoped that people can enjoy themselves when I'm around. Up until now, I've always enjoyed helping my friends. I rarely say no. I always want to help. Up until now, I didn't really bother if people didn't like me, if no one appreciates my help or for that whole matter, appreciates me. I knew I liked myself for who I am, thats why. Up until recently... I never realized there was a real monster living inside me, but knowing the person I am, I never go berserk and start unleashing that monster within me. I've kept and still keeping calm. To avoid quarrels and fights, I always give in and then I take the burden of the being the problem. I've never said a word back. Up until recently, I feel terribly used. I'm now seen as many as a friend with benefits. A lot of benefits, for that matter. And again, up till recently..

I'm starting to feel the pain. I've been suffering in silence and not show it. I've been way too good. I thank God for having friends that do appreciate me, at the very least. I have finally felt fucked up. I had never known hate, but now I know. I had never known so many things. I've rarely felt appreciated. I have never spoken a word of retort if no one has said a simple, " Thanks." to me at all. I feel guilty of my own pain. I've let people step on my head one time too many. For all of my size, I'm oblivious to people's surroundings at times. And again I've never said a word on it. I see myself helping people achieve their goal, but I never seem to be helping myself reach my own goal. It might be in my head, but I really do feel fucked up right now.

I know it might sound immature for typing all this bullshit out. Sounding as though I'm so insecure about how people view me as a friend. I've got no control over what people do and say and think. I just have to accept that fact and suck it up no matter how many times I try to change that. It is that fucked up.

Though I'm saying all this, my help to people will never change. I'm still that carefree, helpful-if-you-ever-need-my-help person. I'll be there for my friend, for good or bad. I'll always be available for my friend, for good or bad. All I'm just asking, is for a little appreciativeness, not just to me, but for anyone that ever offers help.

P.S.

To that one, you can take as long you want to decide what is best for you. You can decide as long as you want to see if you are ready again to step into a commitment. You can decide, as long as you want, on how long it is to move on from the past and live anew again. All I'm ever asking, is the assurance that I'm not waiting for nothing and that there is hope, that you can see "us" in the future, whether long-distance or short. I'll be there, as always.

NO SHIT!

It has been quite sometime since I've sat my ass down and typed what I really am feeling right now. All this time while away, the hols came and gone as though it never came. First week of school started and we're on the way for the second week. This is where everything shall begin for me. Study hard. Gym hard. I need to really work hard now to get my pathetic GPA up. Though no supp papers were needed, I had to admit I gradually became disgusted at my GPA. Who knew it could've been that bad. I will stick to my word that I will study hard. If I don't, then I shall dig my grave further. So much for studying, I need to burn off some fats, like seriously. I will make it a point to hit the gym for fitness and weight loss. I'm sick of seeing my body turn into nothing but a blob of fats whenever I look in the mirror. For the first time in my life, I'm feeling so worried about how I look like, physically.

Another thing bothering me has been the love shit. At the start of the year, a few of my friends broke up with their boyfriends or girlfriends. Now, just recently a few of my friends are attached. Intriguing thing is that, I'm still scared to step into the relationship field. I'm scared to ask because I'm scared of rejection. I worry that I am not able to handle any difficult situation well. For the first time in my life again, I feel scared. Those who know me knows that I'm never scared of anything. Some asked why do I have the sudden urge to want to get into a relationship. To be honest, I don't know. I've been too carefree to be bothered with anything else. I feel that I need to change that feeling. I answer to no one but my mother. Up till recently, I found someone. Shockingly, she is someone that many will not have expected it will be her that I have fallen for. She attracts me for loving who she is and not what she thinks she's supposed to be. She has her goals in life. She is neither plain nor wild. She loves the comforts of her home. She can cook. She never judges unless she has to. Treasures what she has. She is neither too pretty nor ugly. Neither fat nor thin. She might seem the fairy tale type of girl many look at. In fact she is, unbelievably. I, for one, wouldn't have known that things would have turned out this way. We were same class way back in primary school and I barely knew who she was. We were close until only since the middle of last year. Only problem now, she isn't ready and maybe so am I.

Peace..

Enjoy life for we live once only.

A classic failure..

Sometimes, I really think if I am dreaming. The aspirations I have of driving a Mazzerratti one day, of living in Japan while opening a garden with my house next to the seashore. They seem to be aspirations where it is only really... a dream. Damn.

Today while driving back after dropping Shaun and the others back at Tampines, my mind started to wonder. There are just some things that aren't going my way and I am seemingly going to lose my sense of self-control. The girl that I like, or rather, I ADMIRED, for a long time, doesn't seem to want to know me. It seems the feeling isn't there. She taught me Chemistry back at school but damn... how little chemistry we have between each other. There just seems to be no other; one is overseas and probably with another guy and the other seems to be just my 'very good friend' and nothing else. The other thing that is bothering me is my flabby body shape. I really need to start keeping my body in shape. Hell.. I've been treating myself with food food food food and yea, MORE FOOD! And no exercise as well. Rugby training is really going to come into handy while Shaun and I are thinking of picking up the skates again. Damn.. I seriously need to cut off those spare tires and stop being lazy and pick up those weights more frequently at home and not wait for gym sessions that are never coming. The other thing bothering me, are my studies. I don't know if I can get through this round of exams. Seeing that I spent the ENTIRE week on 1 subject, it helped me catch on areas that were vital for the paper. The rest of the papers, I have to say I struggled as well. I need to keep up the pace with others and not slack off. If the sms-es or e-mail says I need to go for them sup-papers, I know I have 1 last chance of putting a pass grade at least.

Those are the few worries that have been going on in my head for quite sometime. The last of all is, I just realized how much time I have lost of not spending time with my old mates. 3 cliques came together today to school, our alma-mater, to celebrate Teacher's Day. Mrs Calais, Mrs Chan, Mr Kwok and so many others. I missed the times we shared the laughter with these many teachers and the hard and good times we went through. Looking back at those times, I believed I enjoyed to the max. And the friends we made during the time and the close bonding we have made. James, Shaun, Nick, Ben and I. Damn we had a seriously fun time today. Not much of playing but back to where we loved doing together like playing pool and simply chilling out with one another and reminiscing the old times. As promised, we want to do this more often and we so want to.

With this phrase, I'll take my leave: Respect is not given by one's status, but by one's character..

Peace, Lets roll..

Somethings..

Somethings should sometimes be left unsaid..

How I wish I am actually living right beside the sea. The outside world could go on forever without pausing while I can pause in life and enjoy the peaceful scenery of the sea. My world has been on the go ever since school started and I just realized, that I have yet to take a break. As I was sitting on the bus home today, reflections of what I have done over the past few months came flashing back to me. Just last April I started school. Just a week ago I passed my driving. Just a few days back Michael Jackson, " The King of Pop " passed away. And just yesterday, I realised how lost I have been. I haven't been doing anything meaningful except go to school then come home and then on the computer. Soccer with the group has decreased while sailing has deceased in my books. I have no other pursuits in my already glittered life with many good friends and a good family. The one pursuit I was chasing has asked me to give up.

I so need to look forward to something. I have been brooding about the past while I have been telling others to look forward to the future.

Why has it become so difficult to believe me whenever it is needed? Or am I just seen as a joke who doesn't mean what he says? STOP FUCKING DOUBTING ME, I so beg of you.

·Peace™·

'Cos' you were all that i needed..

Reminiscient..

Relieving the past and still feel bothered by it shows that one hasn't actually moved on. I haven't actually moved on. It has been so long yet when I was there at the place where many things took place, it felt like it was just yesterday. I tried not to think about it but the more I continued to look around, the more I remembered.

Damn I know I have to stop all this going on in my effing head. An incident occurred to me today. A reminder as to a change in life where we all must take. Switching from secondary to poly means a switch of mindset; from the ultimate childish thinking to thinking wisely and not make rash decisions. Turning 17 and 18, it is time we think about the future. Especially relationships. We cannot go back to secondary school style where it is the " I-like-you-you-like-me-so-lets-get-together". This moments are just to feel good for the moment. Is there true love and at the end of the argument, commitment and trust even, in the relationship? 1 has to learn and think of the future. Now, being in a relationship is easy to say. But living in a Singaporean way-of-life society, questions will raise. For guys, army will be the pivotal part, furthering of studies and pursuing of a career. Girls are just short of army. There are many things to consider. Imagine a guy still furthering his studies while his girlfriend has already started earning her keep. Complications will add up and then..a breakup. In this high standard society and especially Singapore, a relationship is sometimes dependent on the paycheck and the type of work. Parents will then come into the way.

Yes I might agree with a few that what I'm blabbering about is way too long-term. However take a step back and see the big picture. You will, in 1 effing fine day, will go through this. Poly is where maturity has to take place and be instilled in us.

For single guys, take a chill pill and just enjoy life. Meet more new people each day. Satisfy yourself to just looking and nothing more. The right one will eventually appear, so be patient.


·Peace™·
Cos' I'm feeling good..finally.