I don't know..

I really don't know what has gotten into me, but recently, I feel myself more sensitive to how people around me, close or not, treat me. I myself, personally feel that I'm a fucking nice person. I hope people can count on me. I hope people see me as a friend they can look for in trouble or not. I just hoped that people can enjoy themselves when I'm around. Up until now, I've always enjoyed helping my friends. I rarely say no. I always want to help. Up until now, I didn't really bother if people didn't like me, if no one appreciates my help or for that whole matter, appreciates me. I knew I liked myself for who I am, thats why. Up until recently... I never realized there was a real monster living inside me, but knowing the person I am, I never go berserk and start unleashing that monster within me. I've kept and still keeping calm. To avoid quarrels and fights, I always give in and then I take the burden of the being the problem. I've never said a word back. Up until recently, I feel terribly used. I'm now seen as many as a friend with benefits. A lot of benefits, for that matter. And again, up till recently..

I'm starting to feel the pain. I've been suffering in silence and not show it. I've been way too good. I thank God for having friends that do appreciate me, at the very least. I have finally felt fucked up. I had never known hate, but now I know. I had never known so many things. I've rarely felt appreciated. I have never spoken a word of retort if no one has said a simple, " Thanks." to me at all. I feel guilty of my own pain. I've let people step on my head one time too many. For all of my size, I'm oblivious to people's surroundings at times. And again I've never said a word on it. I see myself helping people achieve their goal, but I never seem to be helping myself reach my own goal. It might be in my head, but I really do feel fucked up right now.

I know it might sound immature for typing all this bullshit out. Sounding as though I'm so insecure about how people view me as a friend. I've got no control over what people do and say and think. I just have to accept that fact and suck it up no matter how many times I try to change that. It is that fucked up.

Though I'm saying all this, my help to people will never change. I'm still that carefree, helpful-if-you-ever-need-my-help person. I'll be there for my friend, for good or bad. I'll always be available for my friend, for good or bad. All I'm just asking, is for a little appreciativeness, not just to me, but for anyone that ever offers help.

P.S.

To that one, you can take as long you want to decide what is best for you. You can decide as long as you want to see if you are ready again to step into a commitment. You can decide, as long as you want, on how long it is to move on from the past and live anew again. All I'm ever asking, is the assurance that I'm not waiting for nothing and that there is hope, that you can see "us" in the future, whether long-distance or short. I'll be there, as always.